The Courageous Change

 “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

Change comes in many different forms; sometimes it is forced by death, the end of a relationship, loss of a job or, at other times, it is chosen by one who wants something more than what is at hand. With that being said, change can be hard and painful, but accomplishing anything great in life requires significant change that pushes us beyond our comfort zones....

It has been some time since I last sit here and decided to write my thoughts out for the world to read. Looking back through the blogs of my past - the blogs that tell the story of a hurt, young man trying to find love, is overwhelming tonight. I do not know why, but I can tell you that Sheryl Crow sang the truth when she sung "The First Cut is the Deepest."  Scar tissue, now, covers the once bleeding laceration I healed and kept having cut open.  I think I began writing this blog as an outlet for my broken heart; reading back it is a story of someone who gave numerous chances to the wrong person - who continuously took advantage of him. But today I can say "Thank You" to the guy who broke my heart and shattered my world.... Through the depth of depression and picking up the pieces of the world you broke - I am stronger, braver and you gave me the courage to make the change that I was forever longing for. 

Forever longing for a different life... I was in a relationship that made me feel inadequate and lonely and, let's face it, I was miserable. I was working a mediocre job that was not challenging me, I was in a city that was not growing with the times and I felt I was bigger than what it had to offer. At the end of the day I wanted to explore what the world has to offer; to widen my horizon  When my relationship ended, I gained the courage to pick up and start over. I find myself in Charlotte, North Carolina; aka: The Queen City :).  I am working at a job that is challenging me - but most of all I get to experience all this change and explore the Queen City with my BEST FRIEND as my partner in crime. We are officially doing "The Hills" thing and taking our mid-twenties into revelations of great experiences. Lo and Lauren; Kim and Khloe; Paris and Nicole; Harriet and Verna. 

Looking back I was only doing what I thought I wanted, but now I realize I am right where I am supposed to be. I had to bring up the past in this blog in order to let you know where I am and how far I have progressed. I am so much better and happier than I was one, two years ago. I feel free, happy - and like I am me. I can ensure you that I am always adequate and have always be adequate. So if a relationship makes you feel unhappy more than being happy and makes you feel inadequate - leave it. Life is too short to waste it on a mediocre relationship; been there, done that.  I hope to use this blog to record my feelings and experiences about life and change and moving and growing up and growing old. So come on this new journey with me --- the rest is still unwritten.

moving day with my best friend: 7/18/15 - CLT bound. 

NEVER EVER SUBJECT YOURSELF INTO A RELATIONSHIP THAT MAKES YOU FEEL INADEQUATE. The following is an exert from an unpublished blog I wrote on November 08, 2014 - this shows how miserable and alone and, ultimately, how inadequate I felt with my boyfriend of 2 years. I, almost, do not recognize the person who wrote these sad words. These words and that experience made me the strong, courageous man I am today. Always, always live your life for YOU.


Wrote on 11/8/15: No one wants to feel inadequate, but the first time you feel inadequate you are going to work harder so you won't feel that way again. In terms of an intimate relationship inadequacy should motivate you to feel more adequate. It is almost like that saying that if you aren't scared of losing someone, then you should not have them to begin with. To love well and to love whole heartedly then once must use the feeling of inadequacy as motivation. With that being said, reassurance from your partner should be there. We all get so tied up in our own struggles that we, at times, take advantage of the hard work our partners are putting in. We all think relationships should be 50/50, but I am here to tell you that is rarely 50/50. I never thought I would find myself in the situation I am now; 24 years old and madly in love. I cannot put into words how I feel, but I can tell you that at times I feel crazy and stupid and confused and lonely and inadequate. Love is a cold and broken hallelujah. Love has ups and downs, but ultimately you rely on your lover to reassure you that your downs will not last forever. Every day I find myself more in love with his man and every day I am learning something new about this thing called love. It isn't always blissful and amazing, but that is the goal. In life and love we need reassurance that we are doing things correct and we are each striving for the same goals. In a relationship you have to work together as a team and when you aren't you are doomed for failure. 

“Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for changes” – Johann Wolfgang

XOXO

Taking The Risk

   

   
     Love is all about taking chances... Life is all about taking chances. If you want a great reward you must take a big chance. Sitting here this evening I can tell you that I have learned that even though your life might not be where you thought it was going to be doesn't mean you aren't exactly where you're supposed to be. Don't we all want that fairytale ending? We all want to "live happily ever after". As I have mentioned before you must create your own happiness, because being happy is a choice. I will be the first to admit that having someone to share that happiness with and experience love first hand is an amazing feeling and that makes choosing to be happy one hundred times better. In the past 6 months of my life I have experience a plethora of emotions from being in a relationship that made me feel like I was on top of the world, being jealous, being happy, being heart broken, having my heart ripped out, being depressed, feeling hopeless, being confused, being lonely, feeling like I was not worthy, feeling like I was never enough nor good enough - I can go on and on and on. March started a dark time in my life, the lowest I have ever experienced, and I never want to revisit that time again.  If you've kept up with my story of losing love and being in love then you know how hard it was and has been for me. Being on the other end of that time period I can, now, tell you I am grateful to have gone though the experience. Am I crazy? No, I am stronger and more self powered having gone through that experience. You are not what has happened to you, but how you adapt and let what has happened to you power you. I now know more about myself and what I can go through. Let me put it like this -- having experienced the bad, depressing times I can now really appreciate the good times for what they are and some things you may think are bad are not. I have grown so much. I have realized so much about myself and so much about him.... I know what I deserve and I know that i'm not settling for anything short of it. I never thought that two months ago I would be sitting here saying I am so thankful for my heartbreak and going through what I've been through. Now about that fairytale we are all searching for... It does not exist. This is life, REAL life. You can make what situation you are in into your own version of a fairytale, but things aren't great all the time. All movies with the perfect ending all starts with struggles and shortchanges.... It is still possible to have a happy ending.

     Being in love and being able to love takes you taking the chance and taking a risk. My risk started last summer and I was brought to devastation in March 2014. All I wanted, while my world was crumbling at my feet, was to bring him back into my life and work on our relationship and just be happy and in love. I ended a relationship with someone I was in love with and quickly realized it was the wrong decision (or so I thought then), but I found myself fighting for love and hoping that love wins in the end. I had so many people tell me to move on and that "time heals all wounds", but the pain was unbearable. I never thought I would be in this situation and I never thought this situation would rock me to my core. Love happens and you don't get to choose who you fall in love with. I was lucky to fall in love with him. Maybe it was the wrong time and wrong situation, but it happened and I am fortunate it did. A brief synopsis of my life now: I choose to stay with a job here, locally, because I am truly happy here. He and I have found our way back to each other and are working on what we have. I am so in love with him and we have both realized that you cannot let something go that continues to hold your soul. When I first started writing this blog I assumed if given the chance to get back together with him I would in a heart beat. Currently being in that situation I did not realize how approaching the relationship with a jaded view would be hard.

     Giving your heart to someone makes you so vulnerable and vulnerability is one of scariest human feelings,.... I believe. I have decided to take the risk; love is worth fighting for. Is it scary? Beyond. I am so scared that I am going to get hurt again and he is going to break my heart and that I am going to revisit the dark place in my life, but love is worth the risk. He is worth the risk. It brings me to tears to set here and write how much I am in love with this beautiful man. He captivates me and spins my world on a different axis. He is amazing in every aspect, and is enough; he will always be enough. I am in love with the darkest parts of him, because that is raw and real. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know and would go to the greatest length to help someone out. I am in love with everything about this man to the way he smells, to the way he snores, to his saddest moments, to his phenomenal personality, to the way he loves me - to EVERYTHING about him. No one is perfect, but I can tell you the way my heart contracts with the single thought of him, to the way just his touch takes my breath away that he is perfect to me. He has saw me at my weakest and lowest points and so have I him, but that has made our love so much stronger. Our ending relationship and dark last few months was the best thing for me..... for us. It made me realize how much we belong together and how fighting for love is always worth it. It made us both realize how much we love each other and how in love we are with each other. Something always brings me back to him... The thought of loosing him is abhorrent to me now. I'm not sitting here and saying that we are perfect or that everything is great, but love takes courage and fighting for what you want comes with shortchanges. Being in a relationship is a struggle, compromise and involves working together to reach the greatest points in your journey together. I am so blessed to have so much in one person; my soulmate, lover and best friend all in one. He gives me light in the dark and faith when I fall. I believe he could conquer the world if he tried because he is that amazing. We all make mistakes. We all fall down, but life is about how you recover from those mistakes and how you get up from that fall. Turn your negatives into positives. I cannot say where we are going, but I can say that relationships take hard work, but when it is formed from love, pure - make you want to swim the Atlantic Ocean, breath taking, kind of love,  you will be willing to work through those hard times. Take the chance, it is worth the fall....

"Love alone is worth the fight"

XOXO

23 to 24 - All about living & learning

      It all went so fast, yet at times I felt I was frozen in time. One thing this hard year has taught me is to never give up. To never give up on your dreams, your loved ones, the ones you love and most importantly yourself. I have definitely found parts of me that I never knew existed and I came face to face with the coldest, darkest version of myself. There were days I had to look that man in the face when he told me to just lie in bed and cry, but I fought through that and struggled on. Despite March through May, my year wasn't so bad. I realize that I have the best support system a guy could ask for and some of the best friends ever. I, honestly, do not know how I got so lucky to have them in my life. As many of you know, I met the man of my dreams and was catapulted into the blissful world of being in love. It was like I was in a convertible sports car going 110 miles per hour down the windy road beside the misty ocean. I could feel the sun warm my skin and the smell of the fresh air breathing into my lungs. I finally knew what real love was. Unfortunately, like a fairytale, that sports car stopped my Buena Vista car ride had ended. I can write about how sad I felt and how destroyed I was or I can chose to tell you how gifted I am because of that love.

     I am, rather, blessed to have had the chance to love and love so unconditionally; and to have been loved by such a great man. Life is full of surprises and changes in plans. That is what 23 was all about for me. It was about life lessons and learning to adapt to what you have been dealt. I have grown so much from this past year and I am now stronger and wiser going into 24. I once read this article about how your early twenties were awful and full of confusion. Well I am here to say that no matter what you've done with your life (graduated college, met the love of your life, have a great job) it still is full of trials and tribulations. Heck, maybe that is the point of life - learning to adapt and continuously getting better at living this life. I am so blessed to be able to say that my 23 was about finding myself and falling in love and, in turn, being able to not always be the strong one and have great friends and family to fall back on.

     Happiness is a choice. In life we always have choices... You might encounter a bad situation, a sad situation, a hard time or even a catastrophic event, but what we have to do is embrace those feelings, learn from them, grow from them and take them with you as you move on a stronger, wiser person. So many of us make the choice to stay in our despair, unpack our suit cases and live there. What we don't realize  is that we are choosing to be miserable. Happiness is a choice and I am choosing to be happy. I have such a great life and have so many great people that are living it with me. I am not what has happened to me, but I am an overcomer of my circumstances. I know many of you are wondering what about love? And I say, "What about love?" Love is or it ain't - thin love ain't love at all.

XOXO

There, I still will be

I gave you the sun

But you wanted the moon.

When I gave you the moon, 

You wanted the stars. 

So I reached blindly,

For the most infinite stars,

And wrapped myself

Around each one of them, 

Just for you....

The stars, the moon and the sun combined,

Weren't enough for your fickle heart.

So I took my tears,

And made you a sea,

So you can sail the earth

And find the impossible treasure,

You constantly seek,

Yet every morning,

My sun will be there to wake you.

Every night,

My moon will be there to calm you.

And if you ever need me,

Look amongst the stars, 

Wrapped in each of them,

There, I still will be. 

XOXO

Maybe love doesn't always win

    I've spent most of the last month of my life soul searching and consumed with trying to keep busy. I wish I could write so freely as I did when I first started this but, honestly, it isn't coming out anymore. I feel so cold and careless and all out of emotion that I don't know what to think. Or maybe when I go to write it reminds me of him and I spend the majority of my day trying not to think about him... That's it. I spend most of my days trying to heal this wound I have and when I sit to write I realize that I am just in love as I was that cold February day we sat in a stadium of blue and yellow while he wore his neon green he thought was "gold". I still remember our last kiss and I still remember how every atom in my body ignites with his touch. I still remember how much I miss him. I still remember how happy he made me, but I also remember how he has managed to shatter me and my world - over and over and over again. I still remember how hurt I am. I still remember how in love I am with him, despite the hurt and the pain. I guess I am on autopilot. Almost like I am stuck in a revolving door that keeps going around and around and around. Do I honestly make it that easy for him to walk, right, in and out of my life? 

    Nonetheless, I am working on a job change and finishing this semester of school so I guess this will help keep me busy. I have a great opportunity interview on May 8 (which just happens to be my 24th birthday).... I guess it is just bittersweet. Bittersweet because this is not how I planned my birthday to go or me to even be looking to relocate in the month of May. Damn, just four months ago I thought I had found the man of my dreams and I was spending the rest of my life with him.... Now fast forward to current time and I am unsure of my whole life. It is amazing how fast things do change. I am stronger and finding parts of myself I didn't know existed. Currently, I'm focusing on finding the old me and being happy. I am doing that day by day; even on my weakest day I get a little bit stronger. I want love to win but maybe love doesn't always win. 

We're all damaged

"We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grown-ups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can."

    I don't even know where to start. When I set out to blog about my raw emotions and put how I was feeling into a naritive, it was easy... I just set here and let my fingers type what I was feeling.  To be honest, the last few days and weeks of my life have been like a carnival ride. You know, the one that comes to town and you are afraid to even get on the ride for the fear of dying, but out of shear passion of wanting to have fun you do it anyway? Well,... That has been my life for the past few days, hell it has been my life for the past week or so and I am absolutely clueless on how to get off this ride that is slinging me into its metal sides, causing bruising and pain, and constantly giving me the feeling of nausea. All while I am finding brief moments to laugh and smile as I am slung to the other side of the ride, reminding me of the bruising and pain that still exist. I wish I could sit here and say that I have it ALL figured out and that my relationship was back on and I realized that love was worth fighting for and we realized we were fighting for the real thing.  But I can't say any of that, because it is so far from the truth that it makes me nauseated. First, I am realizing I don't have a relationship; the only relationship I am having is with myself. That relationship consist of the tears, smiles, loneliness, happiness, laughs, cries, sighs, insecurities, wants, doubts, needs, cravings and realizing the truth of my situation. I feel like I keep making mistakes, over and over and over and over. I keep hurting myself, but in reality I am only trying to glue my broken pieces back together. I have come a long way, but I also feel like I am paralyzed by time. I once thought that I had met the love of my life, my soulmate, the person I wanted to wake up with everyday and kiss goodnight every night, the person that completed me, the person I am in love with, but recently I have found myself thinking of a future without him and realizing that if it is meant to be it will be. Honestly, that makes me happy. I cannot push it. I am damaged. I am broken, but I am healing. I am better. I am stronger. I am braver. I am wiser. I have so many things going on lately that I don't know where to start. I've opened doors that maybe should not have been opened and closed some that I should not have closed. I have opportunities that could, potentially, change the whole pivot of my world, and I have some opportunities that could be a positive, minuscule, pivot of my world.  Basically, what happens -- happens and if it is meant to be it will be. Job, life, love.... It all boils down to "Are you willing to fight for what you want and believe in?" I am! I am willing to fight for the love of being happy; that is what I want to love right now. That can be from all aspects of my life. Yes, including my love life. I am willing to fight for happiness and fight for love, but only when they come hand in hand. Because if that love isn't making you happy then why are you even fighting for it? 

    A wise man once said – “You can have anything in life if you’re willing to sacrifice everything else for it.” What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you’re willing to lose. Too often going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right. And letting someone in means abandoning the walls you’ve spent a lifetime building. Of course the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don’t see coming. When we don’t have time to come up with a strategy to pick sides….or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us, and not the other way around, that’s when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear.

Nothing a little Grey's Anatomy cannot help. 

XOXO

Be the heroine, not the victim

"I'm sinking in the sand & I can barely stand because I'm lost in this dream; I need you to hold me. I'm scared of lonely. I try to be patient, but I'm burning deep inside. And I can't keep waiting. I need comfort late at night....."

    Isn't that our worst fear? Being alone? Being Lonely? Our life not going as we planned? What if I let go and realize I wasn't supposed to let go. What if I hold on and then years or months later I realize we aren't supposed to be together. What if he finds someone else? What if I find someone else? We can and will go crazy thinking about what if and thinking how things are supposed to be. I have found that we most ask the "what if?" question when it is regarding a negative outcome or action.  This is how the "what if?" statement should be used...

               What if we take this chance and we are the happiest we've ever been. What if this is how it is supposed to be.

     The thing is that I have always been someone to fight for what I wanted. I have always been an over-thinker and analyzed every action and situation I was getting myself into. I have always had a plan. I thought I had done everything correct in my life to this point. I got excellent grades in order to get into the nursing program. I strived to get great grades once I was into the program. I got a job and graduated nursing school. I got a great job with a degree I could support myself with. I'm still in school working towards a master's degree. I support myself. Pay my bills. Have nice things to show for it. Have a great support system.... And now this is what breaks me? THIS WAS NOT HOW MY LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.  this is not how I was supposed to fall in love... Now I am questioning everything I have ever did and where I am in my life. Should I move away from this town that encases so many memories that I have with this guy? Should I run from my problems? Hell, I don't know. Some days I am doing good to just focus on breathing. I never thought the action of filling my lungs with air and letting it circulate through my blood and then exhale would become, almost, a voluntary action. My life is before me in pieces and what I am doing about it... I'm too scared of being lonely to even take the first step. I was fine with being alone and lonely and single and myself before he came along. I feel like my life was a snow globe before him and then he came and shook the hell out of it... Now I am just stuck in this globe, that I once had everything where I wanted and needed it, and everything is a disaster. I am just trying to find some normalcy. I remember my mom talking about love and she always said, "Keaton, when you're in love in turns your whole world upside down." She forgot to tell me that sometimes it turns your world upside down then drops it.... Shattering it to the floor leaving you cut open, bleeding, hurting and having to mend your own wounds and pick your "broken snow globe" back up. My problem is that every time I start to pick up the broken pieces they cut me. 

    I have found myself fighting so much lately. Fighting for him, fighting for this relationship and now fighting for my life back. I am fighting to heal and fighting to be okay being alone. Do I want to be alone? No, but I do not want to be stuck in a relationship that cannot satisfy the needs I have. I deserve to be happy and have someone that gives me 100%; just as I give them 100%. I am scared. I am scared of everything lately, but I am fighting and will continue to fight to NOT be scared of being lonely. This is the bed I have made for myself and I am sleeping in it, alone. Some nights it hurts so bad that I feel like my chest is caving in and my heart is just fluttering to contract to shoot blood through my body. Sometimes I feel that if this is how I am going to feel for the rest of my life that I just don't wanna do it anymore. Why am I the one that has to sleep just so I won't be consciously thinking about the hurt, pain and him? At times I can feel him here with me and I can hear him. I can feel his hand on my leg as I rub his neck and we were driving back from Morgantown... I can feel his lips on mine and, for a second, I remember how happy that made me. How he made me feel complete. I was and am blessed to have had him in my life. In my heart there will always be a place for him. What I am saying is that I'm not going to let my fear of being lonely keep allowing me to get burned. I know this is going to make me stronger, but I know it has also made strongly jaded. 

   I am now the boy that wears his heart tucked far down in his pocket and has to wear a Kleenex on his sleeve... What are we really supposed to do in life? What is our plan? My plan. My sister has always told me that I have all these plans and that one day when I realize that I cannot plan everything in my life and when something doesn't go as I planned I will fall apart. I never knew what she was talking about, but now, now I do. This is that moment - I have fell apart. This is my chaotic life, out of control. Not as I planned. But we cannot plan for life. I didn't plan for my step-mom to die, I didn't plan for my mother to die, I didn't plan for school to be so hard for me, and I didn't plan to be in love and it not work out. So now, so much for plans. Life is like dodgeball you can have an overall plan but when that ball comes at your face you just do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. We change our plans based on the circumstances we are dealt. We adapt. We morph into what we are needed to morph into just to get through. Life is what it is. No matter what you planned it to be, it is your life and you take control of it and deal with it as it is. You are not what has happened to you, but rather, you are a result of your actions based on what happened to you. Be the heroine, not the victim. 

XOXO