Be the heroine, not the victim

"I'm sinking in the sand & I can barely stand because I'm lost in this dream; I need you to hold me. I'm scared of lonely. I try to be patient, but I'm burning deep inside. And I can't keep waiting. I need comfort late at night....."

    Isn't that our worst fear? Being alone? Being Lonely? Our life not going as we planned? What if I let go and realize I wasn't supposed to let go. What if I hold on and then years or months later I realize we aren't supposed to be together. What if he finds someone else? What if I find someone else? We can and will go crazy thinking about what if and thinking how things are supposed to be. I have found that we most ask the "what if?" question when it is regarding a negative outcome or action.  This is how the "what if?" statement should be used...

               What if we take this chance and we are the happiest we've ever been. What if this is how it is supposed to be.

     The thing is that I have always been someone to fight for what I wanted. I have always been an over-thinker and analyzed every action and situation I was getting myself into. I have always had a plan. I thought I had done everything correct in my life to this point. I got excellent grades in order to get into the nursing program. I strived to get great grades once I was into the program. I got a job and graduated nursing school. I got a great job with a degree I could support myself with. I'm still in school working towards a master's degree. I support myself. Pay my bills. Have nice things to show for it. Have a great support system.... And now this is what breaks me? THIS WAS NOT HOW MY LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.  this is not how I was supposed to fall in love... Now I am questioning everything I have ever did and where I am in my life. Should I move away from this town that encases so many memories that I have with this guy? Should I run from my problems? Hell, I don't know. Some days I am doing good to just focus on breathing. I never thought the action of filling my lungs with air and letting it circulate through my blood and then exhale would become, almost, a voluntary action. My life is before me in pieces and what I am doing about it... I'm too scared of being lonely to even take the first step. I was fine with being alone and lonely and single and myself before he came along. I feel like my life was a snow globe before him and then he came and shook the hell out of it... Now I am just stuck in this globe, that I once had everything where I wanted and needed it, and everything is a disaster. I am just trying to find some normalcy. I remember my mom talking about love and she always said, "Keaton, when you're in love in turns your whole world upside down." She forgot to tell me that sometimes it turns your world upside down then drops it.... Shattering it to the floor leaving you cut open, bleeding, hurting and having to mend your own wounds and pick your "broken snow globe" back up. My problem is that every time I start to pick up the broken pieces they cut me. 

    I have found myself fighting so much lately. Fighting for him, fighting for this relationship and now fighting for my life back. I am fighting to heal and fighting to be okay being alone. Do I want to be alone? No, but I do not want to be stuck in a relationship that cannot satisfy the needs I have. I deserve to be happy and have someone that gives me 100%; just as I give them 100%. I am scared. I am scared of everything lately, but I am fighting and will continue to fight to NOT be scared of being lonely. This is the bed I have made for myself and I am sleeping in it, alone. Some nights it hurts so bad that I feel like my chest is caving in and my heart is just fluttering to contract to shoot blood through my body. Sometimes I feel that if this is how I am going to feel for the rest of my life that I just don't wanna do it anymore. Why am I the one that has to sleep just so I won't be consciously thinking about the hurt, pain and him? At times I can feel him here with me and I can hear him. I can feel his hand on my leg as I rub his neck and we were driving back from Morgantown... I can feel his lips on mine and, for a second, I remember how happy that made me. How he made me feel complete. I was and am blessed to have had him in my life. In my heart there will always be a place for him. What I am saying is that I'm not going to let my fear of being lonely keep allowing me to get burned. I know this is going to make me stronger, but I know it has also made strongly jaded. 

   I am now the boy that wears his heart tucked far down in his pocket and has to wear a Kleenex on his sleeve... What are we really supposed to do in life? What is our plan? My plan. My sister has always told me that I have all these plans and that one day when I realize that I cannot plan everything in my life and when something doesn't go as I planned I will fall apart. I never knew what she was talking about, but now, now I do. This is that moment - I have fell apart. This is my chaotic life, out of control. Not as I planned. But we cannot plan for life. I didn't plan for my step-mom to die, I didn't plan for my mother to die, I didn't plan for school to be so hard for me, and I didn't plan to be in love and it not work out. So now, so much for plans. Life is like dodgeball you can have an overall plan but when that ball comes at your face you just do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. We change our plans based on the circumstances we are dealt. We adapt. We morph into what we are needed to morph into just to get through. Life is what it is. No matter what you planned it to be, it is your life and you take control of it and deal with it as it is. You are not what has happened to you, but rather, you are a result of your actions based on what happened to you. Be the heroine, not the victim. 

XOXO