I thought love was simple

I thought love was simple & if two people loved each other and made each other happy then they would be together...

I thought wrong.

    I flash back to when he said, "Forever and always".... I, honestly, do not know where to even start besides I am broken. I am hurt. I feel pitiful. I feel like I am the one that everyone is starring at and saying, "He's just so depressed." I do not even know where it all went wrong.  The pain is still just as real as it was a month ago. The knife still cuts deep. It was my decision, but that does not make it any easier. It almost makes it harder...

    Our love started one hot summer evening with a simple dinner; not so simple now. It started like a limb that has a tourniquet tied around it, cutting off circulation, then suddenly removing the tourniquet and letting all the blood flood back into the limb. I had walls up and, fortunately, he was willing to break through them. We had our struggles and some of them were big struggles but we fought together and for each other.  What relationship doesn't have problems? Four months after being together we sat in my car, at the restaurant we had our first date at, and he stuttered around the three words that ring so clear to me now....

I... love... you...

    I was speechless, breathless... I wanted to shout it off the roof tops, because I knew that I had never felt that way about any human being before. I never wanted to hear those three words so much. Yet I sat there speechless and didn't say anything. Today I regret that, because I knew I loved him then; I knew he was different and ignited every cell inside my body. He is nothing I ever wanted in a relationship. He is the opposite of what I, thought, I would fall in love with, but he is everything I crave. He drives me crazy. He makes me want to be a better person. When he opens his eyes into mine it makes everything better.  The world stops turning (or maybe it turns so fast). I forget any problems I am having and I am completely captivated by this man.  The holidays passed as we exchanged gifts, shared smiles, cuddles, dinner dates, movies, laughs, cries, good mornings, hugs, kisses, good nights, got mad at each other, made up and just fell more in love... 

    I sit here today, 10 months after our first date, heartbroken, sad, lonely, confused, memory filled and in love. I ended our relationship the first week of March and at first it was a clean direct cut, but a couple weeks after I found him back in my life and us realizing we both made each other happy and do love each other. Why give up and walk away from someone who makes you so happy? Except this time we both had walls up and I only had him where I couldn't have him. He's scared and confused. But here I stand willing to, now, fight for us because he is all I want. He is all I need. I love him. But what makes it so hard? Words are cheap and TRUST IS BROKEN, but we can overcome it and be stronger in the long run. Or at least that is how I feel?  Maybe the things he tells me aren't true, just like when I told him I was done with our relationship and it was over.... I lied. 

    Icarus to the sun; you should know better than to touch the fire twice, but what if I like the pain? Moving on is hard and it is something I struggle with everyday. I go from happy to sad, sad to happy. Everything I do reminds me of him. A line in every song, the way the sun illuminates my skin, my house, the places we ate.... Every where I look and every where my mind goes reminds me of him. I cannot wait around and continue to put hope into something that isn't going to work, but I don't want to walk away from something I need to fight for. Recently I am realizing that if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you then it was meant to be yours. I cannot put into words to how I feel, to draw this heartbreak out, but then again I would never want anyone to even fell this. It takes more strength to walk away and I know that I am strong. The thing is that I am not only losing my partner, the guy I am in love with, but I am losing a great friend. I am losing someone that has become a part of my everyday life. Someone I lean on when I am weak, someone I want to comfort and I care immensely about. Someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. The person I want to fix. To grow old with.  When you give someone an opportunity to prove that you can trust them and that they love you and they fail at the perfect opportunity what do you do? 

    How many times can I break until I shatter? I'm finding beauty in this,... in this heartache, in this loneliness and finding my inner spiritual strength. I am ok, but I'm not fine at all.  I'm losing hope in the love and happiness I had with him, but I am gaining hope in my future of being happy without him. I know I will find someone that loves me as much as I love them. We all deserve to be loved the way we love. I am clearly a mess, but I'm picking up my pieces and trying to recover. Some days are harder than others and I cry more than others. My biggest fear right now? That I will be 55 years old and realize I am STILL in love with him and I made the biggest mistake... Maybe he has the same fear? I can hope. But if it's meant to be it will be. If  you let it go and it comes back to you then it's meant to be yours. 

I am hurt. I am shattered. I am heartbroken. I am strong. I am lonely. I am weak. I am in love. I am left. I am spiritual. I am confused. I am mad. I am broken. I am healing. Most of all, I am human. 

XOXO