We're all damaged

"We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grown-ups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can."

    I don't even know where to start. When I set out to blog about my raw emotions and put how I was feeling into a naritive, it was easy... I just set here and let my fingers type what I was feeling.  To be honest, the last few days and weeks of my life have been like a carnival ride. You know, the one that comes to town and you are afraid to even get on the ride for the fear of dying, but out of shear passion of wanting to have fun you do it anyway? Well,... That has been my life for the past few days, hell it has been my life for the past week or so and I am absolutely clueless on how to get off this ride that is slinging me into its metal sides, causing bruising and pain, and constantly giving me the feeling of nausea. All while I am finding brief moments to laugh and smile as I am slung to the other side of the ride, reminding me of the bruising and pain that still exist. I wish I could sit here and say that I have it ALL figured out and that my relationship was back on and I realized that love was worth fighting for and we realized we were fighting for the real thing.  But I can't say any of that, because it is so far from the truth that it makes me nauseated. First, I am realizing I don't have a relationship; the only relationship I am having is with myself. That relationship consist of the tears, smiles, loneliness, happiness, laughs, cries, sighs, insecurities, wants, doubts, needs, cravings and realizing the truth of my situation. I feel like I keep making mistakes, over and over and over and over. I keep hurting myself, but in reality I am only trying to glue my broken pieces back together. I have come a long way, but I also feel like I am paralyzed by time. I once thought that I had met the love of my life, my soulmate, the person I wanted to wake up with everyday and kiss goodnight every night, the person that completed me, the person I am in love with, but recently I have found myself thinking of a future without him and realizing that if it is meant to be it will be. Honestly, that makes me happy. I cannot push it. I am damaged. I am broken, but I am healing. I am better. I am stronger. I am braver. I am wiser. I have so many things going on lately that I don't know where to start. I've opened doors that maybe should not have been opened and closed some that I should not have closed. I have opportunities that could, potentially, change the whole pivot of my world, and I have some opportunities that could be a positive, minuscule, pivot of my world.  Basically, what happens -- happens and if it is meant to be it will be. Job, life, love.... It all boils down to "Are you willing to fight for what you want and believe in?" I am! I am willing to fight for the love of being happy; that is what I want to love right now. That can be from all aspects of my life. Yes, including my love life. I am willing to fight for happiness and fight for love, but only when they come hand in hand. Because if that love isn't making you happy then why are you even fighting for it? 

    A wise man once said – “You can have anything in life if you’re willing to sacrifice everything else for it.” What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you’re willing to lose. Too often going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right. And letting someone in means abandoning the walls you’ve spent a lifetime building. Of course the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don’t see coming. When we don’t have time to come up with a strategy to pick sides….or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us, and not the other way around, that’s when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear.

Nothing a little Grey's Anatomy cannot help. 

XOXO

Be the heroine, not the victim

"I'm sinking in the sand & I can barely stand because I'm lost in this dream; I need you to hold me. I'm scared of lonely. I try to be patient, but I'm burning deep inside. And I can't keep waiting. I need comfort late at night....."

    Isn't that our worst fear? Being alone? Being Lonely? Our life not going as we planned? What if I let go and realize I wasn't supposed to let go. What if I hold on and then years or months later I realize we aren't supposed to be together. What if he finds someone else? What if I find someone else? We can and will go crazy thinking about what if and thinking how things are supposed to be. I have found that we most ask the "what if?" question when it is regarding a negative outcome or action.  This is how the "what if?" statement should be used...

               What if we take this chance and we are the happiest we've ever been. What if this is how it is supposed to be.

     The thing is that I have always been someone to fight for what I wanted. I have always been an over-thinker and analyzed every action and situation I was getting myself into. I have always had a plan. I thought I had done everything correct in my life to this point. I got excellent grades in order to get into the nursing program. I strived to get great grades once I was into the program. I got a job and graduated nursing school. I got a great job with a degree I could support myself with. I'm still in school working towards a master's degree. I support myself. Pay my bills. Have nice things to show for it. Have a great support system.... And now this is what breaks me? THIS WAS NOT HOW MY LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.  this is not how I was supposed to fall in love... Now I am questioning everything I have ever did and where I am in my life. Should I move away from this town that encases so many memories that I have with this guy? Should I run from my problems? Hell, I don't know. Some days I am doing good to just focus on breathing. I never thought the action of filling my lungs with air and letting it circulate through my blood and then exhale would become, almost, a voluntary action. My life is before me in pieces and what I am doing about it... I'm too scared of being lonely to even take the first step. I was fine with being alone and lonely and single and myself before he came along. I feel like my life was a snow globe before him and then he came and shook the hell out of it... Now I am just stuck in this globe, that I once had everything where I wanted and needed it, and everything is a disaster. I am just trying to find some normalcy. I remember my mom talking about love and she always said, "Keaton, when you're in love in turns your whole world upside down." She forgot to tell me that sometimes it turns your world upside down then drops it.... Shattering it to the floor leaving you cut open, bleeding, hurting and having to mend your own wounds and pick your "broken snow globe" back up. My problem is that every time I start to pick up the broken pieces they cut me. 

    I have found myself fighting so much lately. Fighting for him, fighting for this relationship and now fighting for my life back. I am fighting to heal and fighting to be okay being alone. Do I want to be alone? No, but I do not want to be stuck in a relationship that cannot satisfy the needs I have. I deserve to be happy and have someone that gives me 100%; just as I give them 100%. I am scared. I am scared of everything lately, but I am fighting and will continue to fight to NOT be scared of being lonely. This is the bed I have made for myself and I am sleeping in it, alone. Some nights it hurts so bad that I feel like my chest is caving in and my heart is just fluttering to contract to shoot blood through my body. Sometimes I feel that if this is how I am going to feel for the rest of my life that I just don't wanna do it anymore. Why am I the one that has to sleep just so I won't be consciously thinking about the hurt, pain and him? At times I can feel him here with me and I can hear him. I can feel his hand on my leg as I rub his neck and we were driving back from Morgantown... I can feel his lips on mine and, for a second, I remember how happy that made me. How he made me feel complete. I was and am blessed to have had him in my life. In my heart there will always be a place for him. What I am saying is that I'm not going to let my fear of being lonely keep allowing me to get burned. I know this is going to make me stronger, but I know it has also made strongly jaded. 

   I am now the boy that wears his heart tucked far down in his pocket and has to wear a Kleenex on his sleeve... What are we really supposed to do in life? What is our plan? My plan. My sister has always told me that I have all these plans and that one day when I realize that I cannot plan everything in my life and when something doesn't go as I planned I will fall apart. I never knew what she was talking about, but now, now I do. This is that moment - I have fell apart. This is my chaotic life, out of control. Not as I planned. But we cannot plan for life. I didn't plan for my step-mom to die, I didn't plan for my mother to die, I didn't plan for school to be so hard for me, and I didn't plan to be in love and it not work out. So now, so much for plans. Life is like dodgeball you can have an overall plan but when that ball comes at your face you just do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. We change our plans based on the circumstances we are dealt. We adapt. We morph into what we are needed to morph into just to get through. Life is what it is. No matter what you planned it to be, it is your life and you take control of it and deal with it as it is. You are not what has happened to you, but rather, you are a result of your actions based on what happened to you. Be the heroine, not the victim. 

XOXO

I thought love was simple

I thought love was simple & if two people loved each other and made each other happy then they would be together...

I thought wrong.

    I flash back to when he said, "Forever and always".... I, honestly, do not know where to even start besides I am broken. I am hurt. I feel pitiful. I feel like I am the one that everyone is starring at and saying, "He's just so depressed." I do not even know where it all went wrong.  The pain is still just as real as it was a month ago. The knife still cuts deep. It was my decision, but that does not make it any easier. It almost makes it harder...

    Our love started one hot summer evening with a simple dinner; not so simple now. It started like a limb that has a tourniquet tied around it, cutting off circulation, then suddenly removing the tourniquet and letting all the blood flood back into the limb. I had walls up and, fortunately, he was willing to break through them. We had our struggles and some of them were big struggles but we fought together and for each other.  What relationship doesn't have problems? Four months after being together we sat in my car, at the restaurant we had our first date at, and he stuttered around the three words that ring so clear to me now....

I... love... you...

    I was speechless, breathless... I wanted to shout it off the roof tops, because I knew that I had never felt that way about any human being before. I never wanted to hear those three words so much. Yet I sat there speechless and didn't say anything. Today I regret that, because I knew I loved him then; I knew he was different and ignited every cell inside my body. He is nothing I ever wanted in a relationship. He is the opposite of what I, thought, I would fall in love with, but he is everything I crave. He drives me crazy. He makes me want to be a better person. When he opens his eyes into mine it makes everything better.  The world stops turning (or maybe it turns so fast). I forget any problems I am having and I am completely captivated by this man.  The holidays passed as we exchanged gifts, shared smiles, cuddles, dinner dates, movies, laughs, cries, good mornings, hugs, kisses, good nights, got mad at each other, made up and just fell more in love... 

    I sit here today, 10 months after our first date, heartbroken, sad, lonely, confused, memory filled and in love. I ended our relationship the first week of March and at first it was a clean direct cut, but a couple weeks after I found him back in my life and us realizing we both made each other happy and do love each other. Why give up and walk away from someone who makes you so happy? Except this time we both had walls up and I only had him where I couldn't have him. He's scared and confused. But here I stand willing to, now, fight for us because he is all I want. He is all I need. I love him. But what makes it so hard? Words are cheap and TRUST IS BROKEN, but we can overcome it and be stronger in the long run. Or at least that is how I feel?  Maybe the things he tells me aren't true, just like when I told him I was done with our relationship and it was over.... I lied. 

    Icarus to the sun; you should know better than to touch the fire twice, but what if I like the pain? Moving on is hard and it is something I struggle with everyday. I go from happy to sad, sad to happy. Everything I do reminds me of him. A line in every song, the way the sun illuminates my skin, my house, the places we ate.... Every where I look and every where my mind goes reminds me of him. I cannot wait around and continue to put hope into something that isn't going to work, but I don't want to walk away from something I need to fight for. Recently I am realizing that if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you then it was meant to be yours. I cannot put into words to how I feel, to draw this heartbreak out, but then again I would never want anyone to even fell this. It takes more strength to walk away and I know that I am strong. The thing is that I am not only losing my partner, the guy I am in love with, but I am losing a great friend. I am losing someone that has become a part of my everyday life. Someone I lean on when I am weak, someone I want to comfort and I care immensely about. Someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. The person I want to fix. To grow old with.  When you give someone an opportunity to prove that you can trust them and that they love you and they fail at the perfect opportunity what do you do? 

    How many times can I break until I shatter? I'm finding beauty in this,... in this heartache, in this loneliness and finding my inner spiritual strength. I am ok, but I'm not fine at all.  I'm losing hope in the love and happiness I had with him, but I am gaining hope in my future of being happy without him. I know I will find someone that loves me as much as I love them. We all deserve to be loved the way we love. I am clearly a mess, but I'm picking up my pieces and trying to recover. Some days are harder than others and I cry more than others. My biggest fear right now? That I will be 55 years old and realize I am STILL in love with him and I made the biggest mistake... Maybe he has the same fear? I can hope. But if it's meant to be it will be. If  you let it go and it comes back to you then it's meant to be yours. 

I am hurt. I am shattered. I am heartbroken. I am strong. I am lonely. I am weak. I am in love. I am left. I am spiritual. I am confused. I am mad. I am broken. I am healing. Most of all, I am human. 

XOXO

Bad Introduction

     After 23 years of my life passing me by I've decided to start putting my thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to candidly ingest. I'm a Registered Nurse with aspirations of becoming an Advanced Practice Registered Nurse, soon. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be a forever student. I've held numerous titles throughout my short (well lived) nursing career. I've worked in the Emergency Department, Surgery Departments and gave health clinics for the armed services. Maybe my changes in disciplines of nursing could show you that I am rather confused (or that I prefer variety) in my life.

    I grew up with struggles and a very loose knit family.... My parents were divorced at a young age and my dad met my second mother who had a huge impact on the person I am today. My sister was and is my rock; being 10 years older than I am she is, also, like a mother figure to me. My younger brother, who is 8 years younger than I am, is the opposite of everything I am and stand for, but that's what siblings are for. Tragedy struck me at a young age when my step-mom was ripped from our lives without a simple goodbye. I was 13 and had lost a mother figure, a role model and a friend. My family lost a strong women that was our guiding light. My little brother, 4 at the time, is now spending the rest of his life without a mother figure. Like a phoenix my family and I rose from the ashes and continued to conquer this thing called life. I later found myself in the mix of a family mess of pointing fingers of you're doing this wrong, blah blah blah. I moved to Tennessee in my freshman year of high school to encounter deception and turmoil deep within my father and family, thus causing me to move back to West Virginia and start living with my grandmother.

    I graduated high school at 14 out of my 89 students and started college aspiring my nursing career. My first December in the nursing program I lost my real (blood) mother to a pulmonary embolism. It was hard and I would ask the continuous question to "Why".... I knew that I had to continue and not let sadness take over because I had to finish school and make something of myself. I am strong. I made my way through nursing school crying and staying up late studying and constantly feeling like I was going to fail and not graduate. I graduated as Vice President of my class and now know that is my greatest accomplishment in life. I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for overcoming those struggles and professionally setting myself here today.

    I have a great group of friends that I call my family and I have a son, named Henry "the cat".  I travel more than the average person and stay confused more than I am sane. Now to the reason why I created this blog: I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am currently experiencing my first (real and true) heartbreak. It hurts everyday and I am constantly searching for a way to mend this and heal my wounds that are continuously bleeding. Even through the heartache and anemia of love I find this heartbreak beautiful.  

Even in the hurt it reminds me that I was in love and I am still in love..... Just trying to find my way through what I am calling my greatest struggle in life. 

XOXO