23 to 24 - All about living & learning

      It all went so fast, yet at times I felt I was frozen in time. One thing this hard year has taught me is to never give up. To never give up on your dreams, your loved ones, the ones you love and most importantly yourself. I have definitely found parts of me that I never knew existed and I came face to face with the coldest, darkest version of myself. There were days I had to look that man in the face when he told me to just lie in bed and cry, but I fought through that and struggled on. Despite March through May, my year wasn't so bad. I realize that I have the best support system a guy could ask for and some of the best friends ever. I, honestly, do not know how I got so lucky to have them in my life. As many of you know, I met the man of my dreams and was catapulted into the blissful world of being in love. It was like I was in a convertible sports car going 110 miles per hour down the windy road beside the misty ocean. I could feel the sun warm my skin and the smell of the fresh air breathing into my lungs. I finally knew what real love was. Unfortunately, like a fairytale, that sports car stopped my Buena Vista car ride had ended. I can write about how sad I felt and how destroyed I was or I can chose to tell you how gifted I am because of that love.

     I am, rather, blessed to have had the chance to love and love so unconditionally; and to have been loved by such a great man. Life is full of surprises and changes in plans. That is what 23 was all about for me. It was about life lessons and learning to adapt to what you have been dealt. I have grown so much from this past year and I am now stronger and wiser going into 24. I once read this article about how your early twenties were awful and full of confusion. Well I am here to say that no matter what you've done with your life (graduated college, met the love of your life, have a great job) it still is full of trials and tribulations. Heck, maybe that is the point of life - learning to adapt and continuously getting better at living this life. I am so blessed to be able to say that my 23 was about finding myself and falling in love and, in turn, being able to not always be the strong one and have great friends and family to fall back on.

     Happiness is a choice. In life we always have choices... You might encounter a bad situation, a sad situation, a hard time or even a catastrophic event, but what we have to do is embrace those feelings, learn from them, grow from them and take them with you as you move on a stronger, wiser person. So many of us make the choice to stay in our despair, unpack our suit cases and live there. What we don't realize  is that we are choosing to be miserable. Happiness is a choice and I am choosing to be happy. I have such a great life and have so many great people that are living it with me. I am not what has happened to me, but I am an overcomer of my circumstances. I know many of you are wondering what about love? And I say, "What about love?" Love is or it ain't - thin love ain't love at all.

XOXO

There, I still will be

I gave you the sun

But you wanted the moon.

When I gave you the moon, 

You wanted the stars. 

So I reached blindly,

For the most infinite stars,

And wrapped myself

Around each one of them, 

Just for you....

The stars, the moon and the sun combined,

Weren't enough for your fickle heart.

So I took my tears,

And made you a sea,

So you can sail the earth

And find the impossible treasure,

You constantly seek,

Yet every morning,

My sun will be there to wake you.

Every night,

My moon will be there to calm you.

And if you ever need me,

Look amongst the stars, 

Wrapped in each of them,

There, I still will be. 

XOXO

Maybe love doesn't always win

    I've spent most of the last month of my life soul searching and consumed with trying to keep busy. I wish I could write so freely as I did when I first started this but, honestly, it isn't coming out anymore. I feel so cold and careless and all out of emotion that I don't know what to think. Or maybe when I go to write it reminds me of him and I spend the majority of my day trying not to think about him... That's it. I spend most of my days trying to heal this wound I have and when I sit to write I realize that I am just in love as I was that cold February day we sat in a stadium of blue and yellow while he wore his neon green he thought was "gold". I still remember our last kiss and I still remember how every atom in my body ignites with his touch. I still remember how much I miss him. I still remember how happy he made me, but I also remember how he has managed to shatter me and my world - over and over and over again. I still remember how hurt I am. I still remember how in love I am with him, despite the hurt and the pain. I guess I am on autopilot. Almost like I am stuck in a revolving door that keeps going around and around and around. Do I honestly make it that easy for him to walk, right, in and out of my life? 

    Nonetheless, I am working on a job change and finishing this semester of school so I guess this will help keep me busy. I have a great opportunity interview on May 8 (which just happens to be my 24th birthday).... I guess it is just bittersweet. Bittersweet because this is not how I planned my birthday to go or me to even be looking to relocate in the month of May. Damn, just four months ago I thought I had found the man of my dreams and I was spending the rest of my life with him.... Now fast forward to current time and I am unsure of my whole life. It is amazing how fast things do change. I am stronger and finding parts of myself I didn't know existed. Currently, I'm focusing on finding the old me and being happy. I am doing that day by day; even on my weakest day I get a little bit stronger. I want love to win but maybe love doesn't always win.