Maybe love doesn't always win

    I've spent most of the last month of my life soul searching and consumed with trying to keep busy. I wish I could write so freely as I did when I first started this but, honestly, it isn't coming out anymore. I feel so cold and careless and all out of emotion that I don't know what to think. Or maybe when I go to write it reminds me of him and I spend the majority of my day trying not to think about him... That's it. I spend most of my days trying to heal this wound I have and when I sit to write I realize that I am just in love as I was that cold February day we sat in a stadium of blue and yellow while he wore his neon green he thought was "gold". I still remember our last kiss and I still remember how every atom in my body ignites with his touch. I still remember how much I miss him. I still remember how happy he made me, but I also remember how he has managed to shatter me and my world - over and over and over again. I still remember how hurt I am. I still remember how in love I am with him, despite the hurt and the pain. I guess I am on autopilot. Almost like I am stuck in a revolving door that keeps going around and around and around. Do I honestly make it that easy for him to walk, right, in and out of my life? 

    Nonetheless, I am working on a job change and finishing this semester of school so I guess this will help keep me busy. I have a great opportunity interview on May 8 (which just happens to be my 24th birthday).... I guess it is just bittersweet. Bittersweet because this is not how I planned my birthday to go or me to even be looking to relocate in the month of May. Damn, just four months ago I thought I had found the man of my dreams and I was spending the rest of my life with him.... Now fast forward to current time and I am unsure of my whole life. It is amazing how fast things do change. I am stronger and finding parts of myself I didn't know existed. Currently, I'm focusing on finding the old me and being happy. I am doing that day by day; even on my weakest day I get a little bit stronger. I want love to win but maybe love doesn't always win.