I thought love was simple

I thought love was simple & if two people loved each other and made each other happy then they would be together...

I thought wrong.

    I flash back to when he said, "Forever and always".... I, honestly, do not know where to even start besides I am broken. I am hurt. I feel pitiful. I feel like I am the one that everyone is starring at and saying, "He's just so depressed." I do not even know where it all went wrong.  The pain is still just as real as it was a month ago. The knife still cuts deep. It was my decision, but that does not make it any easier. It almost makes it harder...

    Our love started one hot summer evening with a simple dinner; not so simple now. It started like a limb that has a tourniquet tied around it, cutting off circulation, then suddenly removing the tourniquet and letting all the blood flood back into the limb. I had walls up and, fortunately, he was willing to break through them. We had our struggles and some of them were big struggles but we fought together and for each other.  What relationship doesn't have problems? Four months after being together we sat in my car, at the restaurant we had our first date at, and he stuttered around the three words that ring so clear to me now....

I... love... you...

    I was speechless, breathless... I wanted to shout it off the roof tops, because I knew that I had never felt that way about any human being before. I never wanted to hear those three words so much. Yet I sat there speechless and didn't say anything. Today I regret that, because I knew I loved him then; I knew he was different and ignited every cell inside my body. He is nothing I ever wanted in a relationship. He is the opposite of what I, thought, I would fall in love with, but he is everything I crave. He drives me crazy. He makes me want to be a better person. When he opens his eyes into mine it makes everything better.  The world stops turning (or maybe it turns so fast). I forget any problems I am having and I am completely captivated by this man.  The holidays passed as we exchanged gifts, shared smiles, cuddles, dinner dates, movies, laughs, cries, good mornings, hugs, kisses, good nights, got mad at each other, made up and just fell more in love... 

    I sit here today, 10 months after our first date, heartbroken, sad, lonely, confused, memory filled and in love. I ended our relationship the first week of March and at first it was a clean direct cut, but a couple weeks after I found him back in my life and us realizing we both made each other happy and do love each other. Why give up and walk away from someone who makes you so happy? Except this time we both had walls up and I only had him where I couldn't have him. He's scared and confused. But here I stand willing to, now, fight for us because he is all I want. He is all I need. I love him. But what makes it so hard? Words are cheap and TRUST IS BROKEN, but we can overcome it and be stronger in the long run. Or at least that is how I feel?  Maybe the things he tells me aren't true, just like when I told him I was done with our relationship and it was over.... I lied. 

    Icarus to the sun; you should know better than to touch the fire twice, but what if I like the pain? Moving on is hard and it is something I struggle with everyday. I go from happy to sad, sad to happy. Everything I do reminds me of him. A line in every song, the way the sun illuminates my skin, my house, the places we ate.... Every where I look and every where my mind goes reminds me of him. I cannot wait around and continue to put hope into something that isn't going to work, but I don't want to walk away from something I need to fight for. Recently I am realizing that if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you then it was meant to be yours. I cannot put into words to how I feel, to draw this heartbreak out, but then again I would never want anyone to even fell this. It takes more strength to walk away and I know that I am strong. The thing is that I am not only losing my partner, the guy I am in love with, but I am losing a great friend. I am losing someone that has become a part of my everyday life. Someone I lean on when I am weak, someone I want to comfort and I care immensely about. Someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. The person I want to fix. To grow old with.  When you give someone an opportunity to prove that you can trust them and that they love you and they fail at the perfect opportunity what do you do? 

    How many times can I break until I shatter? I'm finding beauty in this,... in this heartache, in this loneliness and finding my inner spiritual strength. I am ok, but I'm not fine at all.  I'm losing hope in the love and happiness I had with him, but I am gaining hope in my future of being happy without him. I know I will find someone that loves me as much as I love them. We all deserve to be loved the way we love. I am clearly a mess, but I'm picking up my pieces and trying to recover. Some days are harder than others and I cry more than others. My biggest fear right now? That I will be 55 years old and realize I am STILL in love with him and I made the biggest mistake... Maybe he has the same fear? I can hope. But if it's meant to be it will be. If  you let it go and it comes back to you then it's meant to be yours. 

I am hurt. I am shattered. I am heartbroken. I am strong. I am lonely. I am weak. I am in love. I am left. I am spiritual. I am confused. I am mad. I am broken. I am healing. Most of all, I am human. 

XOXO

Bad Introduction

     After 23 years of my life passing me by I've decided to start putting my thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to candidly ingest. I'm a Registered Nurse with aspirations of becoming an Advanced Practice Registered Nurse, soon. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be a forever student. I've held numerous titles throughout my short (well lived) nursing career. I've worked in the Emergency Department, Surgery Departments and gave health clinics for the armed services. Maybe my changes in disciplines of nursing could show you that I am rather confused (or that I prefer variety) in my life.

    I grew up with struggles and a very loose knit family.... My parents were divorced at a young age and my dad met my second mother who had a huge impact on the person I am today. My sister was and is my rock; being 10 years older than I am she is, also, like a mother figure to me. My younger brother, who is 8 years younger than I am, is the opposite of everything I am and stand for, but that's what siblings are for. Tragedy struck me at a young age when my step-mom was ripped from our lives without a simple goodbye. I was 13 and had lost a mother figure, a role model and a friend. My family lost a strong women that was our guiding light. My little brother, 4 at the time, is now spending the rest of his life without a mother figure. Like a phoenix my family and I rose from the ashes and continued to conquer this thing called life. I later found myself in the mix of a family mess of pointing fingers of you're doing this wrong, blah blah blah. I moved to Tennessee in my freshman year of high school to encounter deception and turmoil deep within my father and family, thus causing me to move back to West Virginia and start living with my grandmother.

    I graduated high school at 14 out of my 89 students and started college aspiring my nursing career. My first December in the nursing program I lost my real (blood) mother to a pulmonary embolism. It was hard and I would ask the continuous question to "Why".... I knew that I had to continue and not let sadness take over because I had to finish school and make something of myself. I am strong. I made my way through nursing school crying and staying up late studying and constantly feeling like I was going to fail and not graduate. I graduated as Vice President of my class and now know that is my greatest accomplishment in life. I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for overcoming those struggles and professionally setting myself here today.

    I have a great group of friends that I call my family and I have a son, named Henry "the cat".  I travel more than the average person and stay confused more than I am sane. Now to the reason why I created this blog: I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am currently experiencing my first (real and true) heartbreak. It hurts everyday and I am constantly searching for a way to mend this and heal my wounds that are continuously bleeding. Even through the heartache and anemia of love I find this heartbreak beautiful.  

Even in the hurt it reminds me that I was in love and I am still in love..... Just trying to find my way through what I am calling my greatest struggle in life. 

XOXO